Stop Providing, Start Being Present
with Drew Deraney
The Corvus Effect / Episode 74
Released: October 13, 2025
Overview
Drew Deraney was a hospital healthcare executive working 12-hour days when his son Matthew said the line he hasn’t been able to unhear: ‘Dad, you were home, but you weren’t there.’ Drew built his Man Number One, Two, Three framework out of what came next — moving from blind spots to victim mentality to the place where adversity becomes opportunity, presence is something you choose, and self-care isn’t selfish. This conversation is about energy matching with his autistic son, why caregivers who don’t take care of themselves harm the people they’re trying to help, and the difference between providing and being present.
About Drew Deraney
Drew Deraney is a caregiver, family health coach, and host of From Caving In to Crushing It — a podcast with 150+ episodes — and the author of the bestselling memoir I’ll Have What She’s Having. He works with caregiving families on the work of presence — energy matching, self-awareness, and the hard pivot from providing as the proxy for love.
Listen to the Full Episode
Key Takeaways
1. Man Number One, Two, Three
Drew’s framework maps the path from unconscious to authentic. Man Number One operates in blind spots — physically present, mentally absent, unaware of his impact. Man Number Two wakes up and gets stuck in victim mentality; Man Number Three is the place where adversity becomes opportunity — small wins, positive habits, and the choice not to wear the mask anymore.
2. Energy matching is the work
When Drew’s energy was up at his nose and Matthew’s was at his belly button, they weren’t speaking the same language no matter how much Drew talked. The breakthrough was learning that the person with special needs isn’t going to climb to your frequency — it’s the parent’s job to descend to theirs. The principle generalizes: presence requires meeting people where they are, not where it would be more convenient for you to find them.
3. Your oxygen mask comes first
Drew used to tell hospital nurses ‘the patient comes second’ — and he meant it, because if the caregiver is depleted, the care isn’t actually available. Most caregivers — especially introverts — refuse to ask for help because they assume nobody else cares as much; underneath, the assumption is discomfort with their own skin. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s the foundation that makes sustainable presence possible at all.